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This site started as a personal blog and sister site to www.RebeccaBoswell.com. Now, it is a place to find information for Inner Fast Girl Training, as well well as my thoughts on all things Inner Fast Girl.

Thanks for visiting ~ I hope you stay a while and come back often.

Please get your IFG on by subscribing to this site (left), following RebeccaCoaches on Twitter, interacting with the daily IFG journey on Facebook, or emailing me at Rebecca@RebeccaBoswell.com with any comments, questions, stories, whatevs…

Welcome and be well!

Rebecca Boswell
Your Personal Inner Fast Girl Empowerment Specialist!

Join Inner Fast Girl on Facebook

***New training opportunities have been posted – hope to run with you soon!***

More on Work & Wellness at www.RebeccaBoswell.com

The IFG Team Is Growing-Will You Play Too?!

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In one week, the IFGs who have been training over the last 8 weeks, will run the Freihofer’s Run For Women in Albany. Some will join the thousands of other runners to run their first 5k, while some will be looking for a PR (personal record).

These ladies have worked hard, practicing in rain, wind, hot and cold (the weather has been nuts!). Whatever race day brings, they will be ready.

After a week off, training starts again on Monday evening, June 11th, for those in the Faster 5k program and Totally 10k program. On July 9th, we welcome our new Smart Start runners who are starting out on a new running journey.

If you have been on the fence about joining us…just join! Our group is about support, motivation, empowerment, and building strength through proven training methods and self-care education. (Testimonials)

Included in each IFG program:
*Training Plan
*Two facilitated group runs per week
*One facilitated strength workout
*Running 101: Stretching, Self-Care, Nutrition
*Individual goal-setting and Mindset Coaching
*Access to Inner Forum – private members-only Bulletin Board
*A piece of Inner Fast Girl Gear
*Accountability, support & camaraderie
*Fun!

There is an Inner Fast Girl (a strong, confident, self-assured and capable athlete) inside all of us. Is yours hiding? Now is the time to unleash her and get her moving!

IMPORTANT NOTE: If finances are the only thing holding you back, let’s talk. Money is not an excuse. We can work something out. Your health and vitality are worth it and we want to hang out with you! Rebecca@RebeccaBoswell.com

“Vegan?!”

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This month I challenged myself to try a vegan lifestyle. (You can do anything for 30 days, right?!) As a result, friends and loved ones keep asking me…”and WHY are you doing this again?!”

This question is usually in response to me explaining what vegan means. It means I am not eating any animal-based products, to include meats, eggs, and dairy. Since much of the US diet culture is based around meat and dairy, this can seem impractical, limiting, and like a sacrifice for many. I have heard many variations of: “Why would you ever want to do that?!”, “That is impossible!”, “I like meat and cheese (and ice cream!) too much!”, “That’s just crazy.” Are you hearing some of these things in your own head too?

From where I sit in my life, at this precise moment in time, I see this experiment as an opportunity for learning, expansion, growth, and increased vitality.

I chose this challenge because I was not feeling good about my food choices. I have been vegetarian at different times in my life, for differing lengths of time. Recently, the pull back toward a plant-based diet has been very strong. Reconciling eating meat, with my own personal goals and desires to be an actualized and compassionate human being, just wasn’t working. I moved from being uncomfortable to being disturbed (I use that word as a shout out to Tony Robbins who enthusiastically motivates people by saying, “You have to get DISTURBED, or else you will never do anything to change…).

I also wasn’t getting the vitality and energy I desired from my food. I figured testing out a pure, plant-based diet (as a vegan vs. a vegetarian who eats eggs and dairy) was a logical way to declutter from the inside out and see if I felt any different.

During the first two weeks of my challenge, I was disappointed to find not much changed for me. Toward the end of the second week, I even felt a little worse. After doing some research regarding a known gliadin sensitivity, I realized that I probably wasn’t feeling any better because of continued inflammation from grains (gluten) in my diet. Therefore, this past week, I went “Raw” (only veggies, fruits, nuts, and seeds) and, to be honest, I have felt amazing.

Define “amazing”? First of all, I have felt more calm, clear, and focused. Without more, or even much, sleep, I have felt more energized. I have felt more patient with my kids and better equipped to handle life’s little annoyances. I have not had any cravings, binges, emotional lows, or feelings of gastrointestinal discomfort. Not to mention, I breezed through last week without the usual emotional, PMS-induced psychosis that generally precedes my monthly moon. (Hello! That is something everyone in my household can appreciate!)

This week, I am exploring some gluten-free items, but intend to stay heavy on the fresh fruits and vegetables as the main focus. The goal is to see if I feel like I did in the first two weeks, or continue to feel like I have over this past week. It is an exciting process of trial and error.

Even though I was raised to enjoy fruits and vegetables, I notice that I am enjoying them even more now and actually looking forward to them instead of less healthy alternatives. In addition, I have been listening to, and reading a great deal of, arguments in support of veganism. The further I venture down the rabbit hole, the more choosing vegan seems like a more viable and sustainable means of supporting my body and the environment. The more I learn about the conditions of mass farmed meat stock, milk stock, pig stock and poultry, the more an animal-based lifestyle seems out of alignment with who I am and who I want to be.

Things that make me go “hmmmm”: On average, vegetarians live 10 years longer than meat-eaters. Agro-business chickens are genetically altered to produce such big breasts that their legs break under their own weight. They live their life in a space the size of an 8.5×11″ piece of paper. They are pumped up with a ton of antibiotics to keep them alive just long enough to slaughter for market. A University of MD study took 1000 food samples from multiple retail markets, and found that 69% of beef and pork, and 92% of poultry, was contaminated with fecal matter (that’s 9 out of 10 chickens – yuck!). In the US alone, annual waste from meat stock equals the weight of 10,000 Nimitz-class aircraft carriers (that’s 1 billion tons of $#it)! If one of us treated a single animal the way our food and milk producers treat thousands of cows, pigs, and chickens on a daily basis, we would go to jail.

I do not want to be preachy, self-righteous, or get on a soap box. These are just some things that stuck out for me in support of a plant-based diet. Much of it I have heard at one point or another, but for some reason, this time around I seem to be hearing it on a different level and feeling more in-tune with it. I could not kill a chicken, so why have someone else do it for me? If I had to rely on animal/fish protein for survival, that would be one thing, but with a plethora of non-meat alternatives available, at the moment, reaching for healthier, more humane, environmentally sustainable alternatives seems to make more sense to me.

Am I “officially” vegan? Like they say in AA, I don’t know if I can do forever, but I know I can do right now. Maybe I will run off to have a double, bacon cheeseburger on June 1st, but it seems unlikely. This for me is not about sacrifice, discipline, will-power, or limitation. It is about life, vitality, energy, feeling good in my body, mind and spirit. It is about feeling good about who I am inside and within a larger context. As long as it still feels right, I will continue.

I acknowledge that this sort of lifestyle shift comes naturally if/when you are ready, but not before. It is not something that I believe comes because of moral bullying, feelings of guilt, or obligation. It is also something that can be integrated into a current lifestyle slowly and by degrees. It does not have to be all or nothing. Veganism sometimes has an almost militant reputation, but doesn’t have to.

What do I eat? I have been juicing for my first meal of the day. I usually throw in kale, celery, carrots, lemon, ginger and then add other things as I see fit. Mid morning, I eat fruit – whatever I want. For lunch, I usually have a smoothie with kale, spinach, or chard, half or whole frozen banana (best to unpeel before freezing), whatever fruit I feel like (I love berries and they are in season now, so I have been enjoying a lot of those), vegan protein powder (optional), and self-made almond milk (so simple and inexpensive to make!). I use a VitaMix, which is like a blender on steroids, so I often throw in a carrot or two for good measure. Some come out better than others, but usually they taste pretty good (even if they sometimes look like something dredged up from the bottom of the Hudson River). Sometimes I have something left over from dinner the previous day. For dinner, I make a big salad with veggies, nutritional yeast, pumpkin and sunflower seeds, tofu, peas, and whatever else I have to throw on top. For desert, I have been enjoying vegan Lara Bars with a glass of my homemade Almond Milk. I do vary it, but this is the general pattern with variation mostly in the details.

How can you explore veganism: Regardless of whether you eat meat or not, this week, I invite you to make one of your 3 main meals vegan. That means all of the raw or cooked fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds you desire. It is an opportunity to get creative and also take notice of what percentage of your daily intake is animal-based. No pressure, it’s just an invite to see how you feel. Need added incentive? According to the US Humane Society, if every American reduced their meat consumption by 10% that would save 1 billion animals annually, also eliminating the environmental impact of mass ranching. Researchers have also calculated that eating a vegan diet reduces an individual’s carbon footprint more than driving a prias (and it’s cheaper too!).

On Facebook, I have been sharing pics of my delicious salads, snacks, smoothies, and fresh juices. Hope you “Like” the page.

If you found this topic intriguing, here is a partial list of books and films – there are tons more – that you may want to explore:
Veganist by Kathy Freston
The Raw Food Detox
Diet by Natalia Rose
Food Energetics: The Spiritual, Emotional, and Nutritional Power of What We Eat by Steve Gagne
Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer
Foodmatters with Andrew W. Saul (film)
The Juiceman’s Power of Juicing: Delicious Juice Recipes for Energy, Health, Weight Loss, and Relief from Scores of Common Ailments by Jay Kordich
Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead by Joe Cross (film)
Forks Over Knives by T. Colin Campbell (film)
Food, Inc. with Eric Schlosser (film)
Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal with Eric Schlosser (film)
Earthlings with Joaquin Phoenix (film)

The Ragnar Relay: A Metaphor For Life

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This past weekend I made my second annual pilgrimage to Ragnar with the Albany Running Mamas. All together, we were 36 mothers from the Albany area who completed a long distance relay race from Plymouth to Provincetown, MA. Our group left behind 74 small children to run 200(ish) miles in 24(ish) hours. Boy, was it AWESOME!

The Ragnar Relay series was unknown to me until last year, when I joined 24 mamas to run from New Haven, CT to Boston, MA. Apparently, however, the series has been testing runners across the country since 2004. What is it exactly (besides a logistical wonder)?

In their own words:
“Ragnar is the overnight running relay race that makes testing your limits a team sport. A team is made up of 6-12 individuals; each individual runs 3 legs. The legs of the race vary in difficulty and distance, from 3-8 miles, allowing elite and novice runners to run together. Over 2 days and 1 night, teams run across 200 miles of the country’s most scenic terrain. Pair that with crazy costumes, inside jokes, a great finish line party and unforgettable stories. Some call it a slumber party without sleep, pillows or deodorant. We call it Ragnar.”

Fun, right? Well it was, even on only 1.5 hours of sleep!

You may still be trying to figure out why anyone in their right mind would do, or even consider doing, such a thing. Or, you may be dizzy trying to picture how to keep all the runners, legs, vans…straight. Rest assured, however, it all pulls together come race day.

After I got home, I (like many of my fellow Running Mamas) was on a high from the experience for days (after I got over feeling hung-over from fatigue and dehydration!). This led me to consider, “Why, exactly, is Ragnar so great?”

As I did, I realized Ragnar offers a perfect metaphor for a balanced and grounded life.

I will explain…

Once the race begins everything is in the NOW. I could just stop there, but I will continue. From start to finish, there are only four things you are expected to do: 1) Get in position 2) Run 3) Rest 4) Support. It is beautifully simple and simply beautiful.

So often we find ourselves physically AND mentally multi-tasking all at the same time. We get distracted, overwhelmed, flustered, frustrated, stressed out, and decreasingly effective or happy. When we have a clear purpose and direction, we are able to align all of our thoughts and actions toward that end, allowing us to respond to life as it comes our way in a clear and confident way. During Ragnar, you know your job, your role, and the part you play in the whole. You carry out that role, while functioning to fulfill it in the now, by responding to whatever pops up, and running with it (literally and figuratively!).

When running Ragnar, there are 12 runners separated into 2 vans. The first 6 run while runners 7-12 are “off”. Then, there is a major transition and the 6th runner passes the bracelet (“baton”) to the 7th runner, making the second van officially “on”. The first group of runners are then “off” until the exchange again between the 12th and 1st runner several hours later. When a van is “on” there is always at least one runner on deck, getting ready to run. That runner is driven ahead to the next exchange to ensure that they are there in time to receive the hand-off. It is a time of clear intention and direction. It’s about forward movement and advancing a common goal. All else, except getting into position, is set aside. Like in life, whatever prep needs to happen to ensure success is taken care of, and everything is aligned to ensure the plan is carried out. There is a laser focus: learn your destination, get there, and be ready. Period.

After the hand-off, there is nothing to do but run. Just be and move with one foot and then the other. You can talk, listen to music, look around, count steps, whatever you want, but you have no where else you need to be, nothing else you need to do. You are just there to run.

When you are finished with your leg, you get to rest while the next runner completes their leg. Sometimes that means 20 minutes, while a runner runs 2 miles, or 45 minutes while a runner runs 5. When you are “resting” you get to take care of your needs, no one else’s. You can go to the bathroom, hydrate, eat a banana with peanut butter, kick your shoes off…it is up to you to determine how you want to make use of your time so that you can be ready when it is time to switch roles again. You take the time you need to do what you need to do, because you know if you do not you will not have the energy or enthusiasm needed to make it through the 2 days (not to mention be of value to your teammates). We learn how important it is to recognize when we have achieved a goal, celebrate it and recoup from the efforts involved, before moving to the next task.

In Ragnar, the next role is support. This means following runners in the van to ensure they have everything they need from water to bandaids, sports beans to a sufficient amount of cowbell. It is a high energy job that is easy to do because of the previous rest and the desire to give back to those who helped urge you on when you were pounding the pavement. It is a time to be the medic, cheerleader, clown, and drill sergeant. The more you give in support, the more energy you have throughout the race and the more unified you feel within your team. Just like life – the more you give, the more you get. Give freely without an agenda and receive exponentially.

Lastly, everything for Ragnar is a team effort. One person does not run Ragnar. Several do, and each relies on the group to do so. Whether it is sunny and the music is pumping, or it’s rainy at 3 am, you are hungry and your eyeballs feel like they have been coated with peanut butter…there is always the sense of being a part of something bigger – A sense that giving up is not an option because you will carry each other through. We are taught that it is OK to rely on others, ask for help when we need it, step in to help when others are feeling stuck, and give up the need to control others or anything outside of ourselves. “Check yourself,” is something we use in the vans to self-evaluate in some of the later (more squirrelly) hours of the race. It means to scan and quickly (honestly) assess your current state and determine personal needs, so the needs of the group will not be (ultimately) sacrificed. It’s brilliant. Hint: You don’t need to be running Ragnar to make this a common practice.

In sum:
1) Be in the now. Whatever you are doing – do it. When it is time to switch gears, enjoy. Don’t try to do AND shift gears at the same time.
2) Know your destination and do what you need to do to get there. Maintain forward momentum so you can be right where you need to be when you need to be there.
3) Run like the wind. Give whatever you have to give and enjoy the ride.
4) Rest. You can forge ahead and maintain that forward movement best if you allow yourself periods of rest between bouts of work. Even if the work is fun, it will be that much more enjoyable if you have met your needs and can tackle life full on.
5) Support and be supported. When we support others on their journey their victory, in part, becomes our own. Likewise, those who support others (if they allow it) will receive it back ten-fold. If you are one who is uncomfortable receiving support, you may want to run Ragnar just to learn how to make use of resources and people in a positive way to help you along your way.
6) Be a part of something bigger. No victory is fun in isolation. In a group, even a small achievement can become a party. It is easy to feel the need to stand alone, tough it out, or handle everything by yourself, but when we are a part of something bigger (a social circle, family, community organization, cause, running club…) we become more likely to treat ourselves the way we treat those around us – with a sense of pride, enthusiasm, and respect.

There you have it. Everything you need to know to lead a great life you can learn by running Ragnar.

Which one are we running next?!

May Challenges: Spring is for Cleansing & Grounding

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Hello May – I am ready for you! So ready.

April was supposed to be about Integration; putting together in one month all the challenges introduced since January.*

* 3 or less sweet treats per week, getting 7+ hours of sleep per night, eating a minimum of 5 fresh servings of vegetables and meeting my hydration quota daily, making items at home (bread, yogurt, almond milk, granola bars) that I would normally buy pre-made, and finding extra ways to build activity into my daily routine.

I did these things, but instead of feeling settled (usually a positive result of integration), the month presented its own theme. MY theme was Integration, but THE theme was Upheaval.

If you have read my last blog posts, you know where I stand now and how I got to this place. There was a lot of churning, self-exploration, and digging around in dark corners. At times I felt pretty stuck, in more ways than one, and became more keenly aware of things in both my internal and external environment that added to feelings of overwhelm. All in all, it was a perfect set-up for this month’s challenges.

Since it is spring, a time for renewal and rebirth, I have decided to take this month as an opportunity to de-clutter, both inside and out. This means a good, deep-down spring cleaning of my environment, body and mind. It also means, a time for grounding, and setting a strong foundation for the fruit to come. The soil has been sufficiently overturned and tilled…I am ready to clean out the rocks and weeds, so I can sew anew and let stronger roots burrow deep and wide.

May Challenges:

1) Clean Eating (Veganism): Animals are safe from me this month. Although I do not eat a large amount of meat as it is, this month I will eat none, to include milk products and eggs. I will consciously choose to eat only items that have grown in, or out of, the ground. I have been vegetarian before, but am interested to see how I feel without any animal products at all.
My two sub-challenges include:
A. Eat at least one fruit or vegetable each week that I have never eaten before
B. Make one new, veggie-based family meal each week (instead of just relying on the old standards)

2) Clean Thinking (Meditation): “Just sit the #*&^!*& down already!” That is what I say to myself on a pretty regular basis. This month…no more excuses. I have dusted off my gomden (meditation pillow) and now just need to sit on it. 4 minutes daily is the minimum goal, while a 10-minute practice is ideal. Why? Because this is the best way that I have found to clear my mental clutter, ground my thoughts and cultivate peace of mind.

3) Clean Language (Positivity): Thoughts become things. Language reflects thought. My mouth will be cleaner after the next thirty days. No, I don’t swear like a sailor…all the time…and I don’t plan to wash my mouth out with a bar of soap (been there, done that – yuck). However, I do fall prey to negative self-talk and negative speech patterns that I would like to scrub from habit. This is particularly tricky, since being snarky, sarcastic, self-deprecating, and somewhat whiny are often seen as funny, or even cool. I will try to single-handedly bring Polyanna back into vogue through positive attitude and positive language. Check it…positive will be the new snark.

4) Clean Environment (Organization): My home and car are mostly ordered. I know where things are, things each have a place, and I can straighten up quickly each night before bed. There are a few areas of my home and car that drain my energy though. They have too many things in them, as well as things that don’t really belong there, but have no better place to be. Every time I am reminded of these clutter spots they take some of my energy away (even if they are closed behind a door, in a drawer, or out of sight). This month, I will tackle 4 areas (one per week) that have bothered me over and over again. No more.
My four sub-challenges include:
A. Cleaning out my car. It is not a wreck, but my reusable bag “system” is ridiculous and takes up almost the whole back end of my car. The little storage well between the two front seats is also ridiculous (what you can see of it, when it is not covered by cd cases). Addressing these two areas (and giving it a good wash/vacuum) will make it feel like a new car and take away that pang of annoyance every time I get into it.
B. Sorting out my closet. Ever since we switched rooms with my daughter, my clothes situation has been a disaster. I moved all of my things out of one closet to be able to arrange her clothes neatly inside, only to disrupt my clothes without a good way of dealing with their storage. This task involves purging unwanted pieces, as well as systematizing seasonal rotation and storage. Hard to believe I have not wanted to tackle this sooner, right?!
C. Addressing paper clutter in the office. This refers to organizing my abundant collection of books that overflow from every surface and shelf, as well as sorting through and thinning my paper files, which have expanded into a diaper box that remains hidden out of sight, but never out of mind. It also means clearing out the antique ice chest in the office that houses a mish-mosh of misc. memorabilia that gets thrown in there with the vague notion that I will someday have a large block of free time to sit down and do something with all those little mis-matched tidbits. I guess that time has finally come.
D) De-cluttering the bathroom drawers and cabinet. The towels sit neatly folded in the cabinet on the bottom two shelves, but the top 2 shelves are a mess of ill-fitted storage bins, bottles, tubes, and jars. The vanity drawers are even worse. There is some order, but a good going through would make it easier to get to the few things I actually use and make my morning routine feel exponentially better.

There you have it — A month of mindfully culling those things that do not serve me to make room for things that do. Rub-a-dub-dub squeaky clean is what’s up!

If you think any of these challenges are for you, even if just in part, please follow along on Facebook and remember to share your thoughts, personal experiences, and favorite recipes :)

Addendum to the Aftermath

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After rereading my last blog post, I realize that I overlooked one of the primary reasons for why last month’s marathon experience hit me so hard.

Although I have much to be grateful for (including loving friends, family, and resources that afford me experiences, things, and people that make my life rich and enjoyable), I threw myself into the marathon, laser-focused on my goal, as a way to compensate for some areas of my life that felt shaky and out of control.

Training for my marathon gave me purpose. I believed that in this area of my life it would be simple to follow the perfect formula of Effort = Reward. It seemed very black and white. If I could control my inputs (if I ate well, if I followed my plan, if I tried hard enough) then I could control my outcome. It appealed to me in light of all the grey tones swimming around in my life.

My misstep, however, was in losing sight of inputs and getting overly attached to outcome. During my training, I struggled with skepticism over the new Heart Rate procedures I was using (instead of just following the parameters of the plan and celebrating my daily achievements). I was often discouraged over my performance (instead of noting marked improvement as an athlete), and worried if it all would be enough come race day (which proved to have no productive value).

When I got to Virginia Beach, I was worried about what to eat (instead of simply following what I knew worked) and what decisions to make to guarantee success (as if there are any guarantees in life – except maybe that you are likely to be disappointed if you are always looking for a guarantee!). There was a lot of worry and anxiety caused by my wanting to feel in control of things that were outside of my locus of control, or wanting to have concrete answers for situations that had yet to naturally unfold.

When things went particularly “wrong”, or outside of MY plan, it was inevitable that the whole house of cards would collapse, with me at the center.

In looking back over my training cycle, and the race, I see that I needed to be reminded that there is no way to foresee what lies ahead and that that has to be OK. The only thing I have control over is how I feel right now…What I do right now…How I respond right now. (Not one second ago, not later, but right NOW…in this moment.)

Now is all that matters. Now is the only thing that can lead us to whatever is next. We cannot control the unknown.

As I explored this further, I reminded myself that if I could let go of my worries over what might be, or trying to control the future, and focus instead on my approach to things right in front of me, then I might actually find calm and control in my life vs. a false and unsettling sense of control over things themselves.

Control over approach vs. control over outcomes was the important distinction I needed to make. It seems obvious that making this distinction can empower and exercising it in life can offer freedom from self-inflicted chaos. (It sounds so simple, right?!)

I am goal oriented. I like to challenge and stretch myself. I like to grow and find out what potential I have not yet developed. I like to know that I am putting my best foot forward, taking charge and being proactive. But how does all this mesh with letting go, being in the moment, and trusting the process?

Do I give up all attempts at control or making things happen in my life? No. I am not saying to give up, stop taking initiative, or steps to live life on purpose vs. by default (that’s when you react to things coming your way instead of being clear about the direction you are headed and making choices best you can based on that vision), but rather to be mindful of what we are trying to control and how we are attempting to do it.

I can still tackle challenges and throw myself into training, or whatever pursuits I choose (i.e. the Rev 3 Half Ironman triathlon in Maine at the end of August) and can have a desired outcome. BUT, I can also practice focusing on what today brings, and distinguishing between action I can take vs. unproductive churning. This means learning to let go of worry and anxiety over what-ifs and things that live outside of the now. I can plan and take action, but I can also be mindful of when things change course, learning when to gently guide myself back on track, or go with the flow. I say practice, because I perceive this as more of a process than a destination.

In other words, I have a choice regarding how I want to respond to the life around me. I choose how and where I want to be positioned in my own life. If I can loosen my grip a little, then I just might open up more space to create more of what I want. I guess this is another one of life’s little paradoxes: Let go and gain control…not over anything or anyone else, but over oneself. I suspect that this is where true power lives.

A wish: May we share in learning this lesson together. May we gain awareness and recognize when we need to get a hold of ourselves or relax our hold on things outside of ourselves.

I know I will need reminders along the way, but if I can recognize my “white knuckles” when they show up, I can also make the choice to let go when I am attaching myself too strongly to something.

Once you see the wizard behind the curtain, you can’t pretend he isn’t there.

We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto!

Lessons in the Aftermath

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“Falling down is part of life, but getting up is living.”

One of my clients shared this quote with me just days after my devastating marathon experience in Virginia Beach.

All of that week following the race, I felt fallen. I was constantly on the edge of tears, sullen, and wanted to crawl away into a deep, dark hole. I brainstormed ways to stay in bed and eat Nutella all day.

Thanks to my 2 and 5 year old therapists, I was not allowed to follow this desired course of action. At least not fully. My kids didn’t let me wallow away my days in bed, but I did eat a full jar of Nutella that week (thanks to a friend who knew that would be a well appreciated treat, but also knew to only get me a very small container!). A little here, a little there, a LOT another time… My confidence felt at an all time low and my internal dialogue was not very nice.

By the end of the weekend I felt like I had hit bottom. I felt exhausted from the let down and all of the mental gymnastics. “What is going on here?!” I finally asked myself (yes, out loud – I am a talk-to-my-selfer).

I reprimanded: I am not terminally ill. I have 2 healthy, beautiful children. I am blessed with many things and wonderful people in my life. I have done a lot and have the opportunity to do more great things in the future.

So why was I so devastated by this race? This was supposed to be fun. Recreation. I paid to be allowed to do it! How could it have had such a massive effect on me, shaking me to the core like this?

As I sat with these questions, I realized how much I had begun to identify myself with the outcome of this particular race. I had tied the achievement of my goal at that specific point in time to who I was and my self-worth. I was striving to be OK. I was striving to be good. I was striving to be enough. I was striving to qualify for Boston, which would validate my very existence as a human being.

I had morphed who I was into who I was IF I succeeded. When I did not succeed, I suddenly felt like everything had been stripped away and I was nothing.

Now let me interrupt myself here and acknowledge that I am fully aware that these are some heavy feelings. I am also aware of the fact that I am not the only one who has ever felt them. That is why I am sharing openly here.

While I am a pretty well adjusted, positive person, it took time for me to grieve the loss of the part of myself that I had not actualized. It took me a while to gain perspective and reconcile the Rebecca that I am and the Rebecca that I thought I would be if I qualified for Boston. I realize now that both of those Rebeccas are one in the same – just on a different timeline.

Just like in the marathon, you can’t stop. You can’ t just curl up into a fetal position and hope someone finds you before the buzzards. You go about your day, your week, your life and look ahead to the next adventure, next challenge. You just keep moving one step at a time. You fall. You get up. Repeat.

I chose to set out on this path to qualify for Boston as a way to push my limits and surpass what I originally thought possible. Paths are fraught with good times, as well as difficulty, setbacks, and grit. Was I naïve to think it would be a cake-walk? Obviously.

When I crossed the finish in 4:20:04, crushed that my race had gone as it did, I failed to recognize how ecstatic I would have been at this time just a year earlier. I felt like I had let people down and wondered how I could ever inspire or empower others with such a failure. Truth is, the support, love, empathy, and sharing that poured in after my last post was amazing. And would you believe that what I heard most was that my failure had actually inspired others to start over, try harder, or begin their own personal journey with running or some other goal left on a shelf? I was shocked. My biggest sadness was turned into the biggest gift.

I recently read The Perfect Mile by Neal Bascomb. This book chronicles three runners in the 1950’s who strived to break the perceived barrier of the 4-minute mile. I was struck by how Wes Santee, an American runner, missed the goal by 6/10s of a second. It seems like nothing. It is not even a blink of an eye, and yet it was all the difference between success and never fulfilling his dream.

John Landy, an Australian, said, “[Running] has all the disappointments, frustrations, lack of success, and unexpected success, which all reproduce themselves in the bigger play of life.” He beat Roger Bannister’s record, shortly after Bannister was the first to break the 4-minute barrier. His lesson was learned on a much deeper level, however, when he had to give the record back to Bannister during the monumental race in which they kicked off side by side and fought each other and their inner will for 4 laps around the track.

“Sport is about adapting to the unexpected and being able to modify plans at the last minute. Sport, like all life, is about taking your chances.” (Roger Bannister)

In the end, that is what I did on race day, I adapted and took a chance. When I got home, without the shining smile of victory, I adapted. I fell, but I got up. And now, I will keep at it. I will keep taking my chances, because if I do, one day I will succeed.

On October 7, 2012 I will run the Mohawk Hudson Marathon again. I am already registered. The inning is over, but I can still win this thing in overtime.

From here on out, my goal is to keep sight of myself, and remember that while success helps to color who we are, it is not the whole picture.

Here’s to learning from a shitty experience, brushing off a bruised ego, and giving all I’ve got to give – whatever that may be.

Thanks again for coming along for the ride.

Run strong.

xo
Rebecca

(P.S. As you may notice, I am having some quirky issues with the site at the moment with things that should show up missing and some things showing up (like a lot of the gobeldy gook in the right margin) that shouldn’t. Please pardon the mess while the site is under construction :)

The Yuengling Shamrock Marathon: Don’t bake those beans just yet…

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Well, the 2012 Yuengling Shamrock Marathon is over for me. It has been quite a day and I am sorry to report another miss.

I’ll start by saying thank you to all of my friends and family who have called, texted, and messaged me to show support and encouragement.  Your outpouring of love and support have been overwhelming and greatly appreciated.  Please forgive me if it takes me a little while to respond.  I am still processing the lessons of today.

As I said last night, I ate something yesterday that either was bad or just didn’t sit well with me.  After a few bouts of throwing up, I had a fitful sleep, feeling much better but still a little queasy on and off.  I did not have any dinner and this morning ate my Power Bar Energy Bites as planned, feeling like the worst had passed.

In fact, on the way to the race I felt surprisingly strong, confident, and ready for an awesome day.  I found my intended 3:35 pace group, after hitting the porta-potty, and felt like everything was lining up perfectly.  The gun went off, I tucked in with the group and got ready to just run.  All was well through the first aid station, when the pacer plowed through without slowing.  Without my belt this race, I slowed minimally to grab the water, but found I had slipped a bit in my position.  No matter, though, I could easily see the pace flag bobbing up ahead.   I tried to catch up, but didn’t want to burn too much too early, so since I was maintaining 8:05-8:10 pace (which I thought was strange, since the pace group was supposed to be maintaining an even 8:15 pace throughout), I figured I would just sit in behind them.  No worries.

At mile 5, I started to feel my stomach.  It was rumbling and I started having some reflux.  It’s all good, I told myself.  There’s nothing left in me to come out.  Just run and keep sight of the pace flag.  From miles 9-13 there was a lot of headwind.  I tried to draft as much as I could off of larger runners, but the wind just seemed to come off of the water in every direction.   Autopilot, I told myself.  Just dig in.  At mile 13 half the race was over and I had earned a half-marathon PR.

By mile 14, the nausea was building to a fever pitch.  I felt myself fighting burps that were a bit more involved than your average burp.  Lovely, I know.

By mile 15, I was having a hard time keeping anything down and couldn’t even put any of my bloks or gels in my mouth.  From that point on, I had no nutrition.  I knew this wasn’t good, but really had no choice.

By mile 16, I walked my first step and then fought to get back on pace.

By mile 19, I had cold sweats, felt a little dizzy and just wanted to curl up into a fetal position by the side of the road.

By mile 20, I was in the middle of a pity party to rival all others.  I felt like I could barely walk and didn’t even know how I would finish the race.  I thought about all the people I was out there to honor.  People who had fought, and continue to fight, cancer.  They were so strong and brave, and here I was struggling with something as inconsequential and temporary as nausea and dehydration.  I started bawling.  I felt like a disgrace and like I was dishonoring them all more than anything else.

The next thing I knew, a woman wrapped her arms around me.  She squeezed me tight and close.  Then she said, “You just need to be out here and finish the race.  Walk if you have to.  It’s Ok.  I have brain cancer.  Just do your best, whatever that is.  You can do this.”

I couldn’t even believe the timing and how uncanny the whole thing was (especially given that I had just been thinking about particular loved one who is fighting the same thing).  As I watched her run off, I wiped away my tears and began running and walking, running and walking.  I might have missed my time goal, but she was right, at this point it was about focusing on simply being the best I could be right then and there, even if it was not what I had planned or wanted.

I tried taking water again right after mile 20, desperate for something to go down, but it still just made me gag.  I swished it around in my mouth and kept finding points ahead to run to.   I just had to get to the finish – come hell or high water!

By mile 23, my tongue felt like it took up my whole mouth and my mouth was so sticky I could barely swallow.  I still couldn’t bare the thought of any bloks, gels, or gatorade, but knew I HAD to get water down.  At the next aid station I took a water and sipped slowly.  It didn’t all go down, but some did.  It was enough to be able to swallow again.

At that point, a woman ran by with the following hand-written on the back of her shirt, “You must do that which you cannot do,” or something like that – Eleanor Roosevelt.  From that point on I kept repeating that over and over in my head.  You must, you must…. It wasn’t pretty ,but I ran the rest of the way in to the finish.  Crossing the finish line I totally broke down again – mama drama.

I felt like a total failure.  I crawled into a ball on the grass and cried like my world had ended.  I realize now that that was silly and that it is only a race.  In the scheme of things, who really cares?  But at that moment, it was everything.  I felt frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed and weak…in more ways than one.  I didn’t even want to put on my finisher’s medal.

That, my friends, is the emotional and physical roller-coaster of my day.

As I started to pull myself together, it was time to see what I could take away from this heartbreak of a race.

Here is what I learned:

- Wear my water belt.  No exceptions.

- I don’t like Cliff Bloks.  I will go back to using the Powerbar Gels every 30 minutes.  I feel that worked better for me in many ways.

- Don’t rely on anyone else for pacing.  The 3:35 pace group finished 3 minutes faster than they were supposed to.  As I know – but didn’t follow – you have to run your own race.

- MOST importantly, get my pre-race nutrition dialed in.  I know you can’t anticipate food poisoning, or whatever I had, but I also feel like maybe if I stuck to things that I had eaten during training I might have been better off.  I will have to focus more on fueling for both training and racing.  6 marathons down and I fell prey to a big rookie mistake.

- Lastly, in my mind I kept repeating “Never Give Up” over and over.  The moment I realized I missed my time, I felt like I had given up.  What I have to accept here is that I know that I can run better than I did today.  I know I have the mental and physical toughness to achieve this goal.  I am much more fit now than I was last fall.  Maybe I had a different race today than I had wanted, but giving up would have been listening to that voice in my head that begged to lie down next to the road and wait for a medic to get me.  Believe me, I am not exaggerating when I tell you how tempted I was on several occasions.  Giving up would be to stop pursuing my goal altogether.  Even though the thought of starting all over again is devastating, maybe it’s not about getting beat, as much as it is about not getting beat down.

There you have it.  Warts and all.  I am sad and will need to pick up some pieces, but overall I am healthy and, in the scheme of things, life is good.  I have to focus on that and shine on.

Live, love, run – If not as intended, at least the best I can.

I struck out today, but the game is not over.

It’s time to clear the slate and start fresh…again.

Pre-Race: Shamrocks & Cliff Bloks

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Happy St. Paddy’s Day from Virginia Beach!

This morning started with a delicious breakfast overlooking the beach and perfect weather.  I spoke with some people at the table next to me and got the low-down on both tomorrow’s race (where the wind is, where the hill is, etc.) and on Boston (personal experiences, how many times it took to qualify, registration details, etc.).  It was a good start to the day.

Packet pick-up was next on the agenda.  The expo was your typical zoo with lots of race gear, people selling their better-than-anything-else-you-have-ever-seen-before stuff, and free samples.  My legs had been feeling a little heavy and my knees achy, but after trying one guy’s personal Stim unit, getting the full demo from “The Stick” guy, and enjoying a calf and foot massage from a student at the Cayce School of Massage, I was ready to rock and roll.  I bought a few goodies (a new pair of glasses, a little arm pouch, a new pair of socks, and a small car magnet – all for under $50!) and then headed for lunch at a place that was recommended for their wood-fired pizzas and breads (for sandwiches).

After lunch it was time to drive the course.  While driving through the main drag, the car was surrounded by a a green mob of 30+ bar crawlers dressed in green and wearing dresses – yes, even the guys.  It was pretty amusing.  I have a feeling there will be some hair of the doggers on the sidelines tomorrow.

Driving the course took a while with traffic, but we saw all of it, minus the part that enters Fort Story Naval Base.  We will run through it tomorrow, but otherwise it is closed off to civilians.  The course really is mainly flat, so wind is the only real factor to contend with, in terms of course difficulty.  I was struck by (and reminded) how far 26.2 miles is.  Gulp.

After getting back to the hotel around 5pm, I decided to take a little nap before dinner because I was not feeling so great.  Nerves?  I wasn’t sure.

By the time I walked down to dinner, it was clear that there was more than nerves at play.  I walked into the restaurant and promptly turned on my heels.  I had to get out of there – and quick!  I felt a cold sweat coming on and felt a bit panicked to lie down.  Less than 5 minutes back in the room I lost my lunch, literally.  Yuck.  On the positive side, at least whatever wasn’t sitting well is gone and won’t bother me tomorrow.  My only hope is that whatever caused it is now 100% history and that I will be ok without having eaten much this evening.

So there you have it – it’s all been part of a day’s fun.

My clothes have been laid out – my race prep ritual – and my electronics are charged.  I have my race nutrition plan (2 cliff bloks every 20 mins, water at every station, and a gel at miles 13 and 19).   I also have my mental strategy planned (get to the turn of the half marathon and then getting back to mile 13 is easy – get up to Fort story at mile 19 and then make the term to come back to the start along the home stretch).  It seems everything is ready to go.  The only thing left is to sleep and visualize a great race tomorrow.

If you want to track me tomorrow, it looks like marathon tracking is available at the start, miles 7, 13.1, 19 and finish.  In theory, you should just be able to click here (or go to this page https://www.raceit.com/liveresults/search.aspx?event=2803) and enter:  Rebecca Boswell, Albany, NY, Yuengling Shamrock Marathon and find my info.  If it doesn’t work, you can go to http://www.shamrockmarathon.com, scroll down under Updates and click on the tracking link.  Then, enter Rebecca@InsightsOutCoaching.com and the password:  marathon.  If none of that works, well, it wasn’t meant to be and you will have to wait for my next post or check Face Book :)

During my run, I will be sending honoring thoughts to a special list of family and friends that have been touched by cancer.  I dedicate tomorrow’s race to them.  Hopefully I will also honor them with a PR.

There were lots of things that I read at the expo today that gave me a chuckle (including “This isn’t sweat, it’s liquid awesome,” and “Suck it up Buttercup”), but what I will carry with me tomorrow is:  

Accepting all prayers and speedy thoughts…Race begins at 8am EST.

They say three’s a charm – let’s hope that’s true!

Zen and the Art of Desk Assembly

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Last week I assembled a desk.  I have been changing around my office on a continuous basis for the last 6 months and not finding a workable solution.  Finally, I decided to simply go out and get the right desk for the space and make it right once and for all.  I usually enjoy “making something out of nothing” and finding new uses for old things, but this time, enough was enough – I had to acknowledge the need for something different and act on it.

I went out and bought a desk considering the following criteria:  simple, aesthetically pleasing, good sized top for spreading things out on, and a file drawer.  I found something that fit the bill and brought it home.

I don’t know how your household works, but in mine, it was 10:43 pm by the time I was done getting the kids down, cleaning up, getting ready for the next day, and finishing up my day’s worth of work work.  In a world without desk assembly, it would have been an ideal time for bed.

But in my world, desk assembly was imminent.  I emptied the box of parts, drew a deep breath, and got out the tools.  I opened up the instruction booklet and took note of Step 1.  Attach piece A to piece B.  Ok, already there was a hitch.  One piece out of the 10+ pieces had a sticker with a big black “G” written on it.  None of the others appeared to have letters of any kind.  ”This is helpful.  Good thing the diagram is lettered,” I thought, looking at the clock and noting how quickly the hands marched on.

I was 3/4 of the way finished with the project (I was using the illustrations and the picture of the desk on the front of the box to piece it all together), when I noticed a small “D” handwritten on the rough edge of one of the pieces.  It had been written in black ball point pen and was barely visible.  As I looked at the other pieces, I noticed most (not all) of them also had these little handwritten letters.  Huh.

After unsticking my brain from the fact that the little hand written letters were ridiculous, and wondering if the factory that made the desk had perhaps run out of the rest of their alphabet letters on the day my desk was made, I had to laugh.  Literally LOL.  I was laughing at how silly it all was – me getting annoyed that the letters were missing, trying to put the desk together without a clue of what was what, and then finding the handwritten letters once I was almost finished.

What struck me was that there were some valuable messages hidden in this experience:

*  Sometimes the answers we want are right there in front of us, but we do not see them or recognize them because they do not look the way we expect them to.  (I was looking for each piece to have a nice letter sticker, like the one with the big “G” on it.  Because I did not see any, I assumed the pieces were not lettered.  Had I been more open to other possibilities, I might have seen the unlikely letters a lot sooner.)

*  Sometimes we are able to accomplish our goals even if we don’t know for sure if we are doing things exactly right, as long as we take the extra time needed to figure out each next step along the way.  (It took longer, but I still managed to assemble the desk, even when I had to guess at what went where.)

*  Sometimes we just need to keep going, even if we are frustrated or unsure whether we are proceeding correctly.  Without continuing forward, we are not open to answers when they finally reveal themselves.  (If I had simply put the pieces back in the box and given up when I thought the pieces were unmarked, I would not have eventually found the handwritten letters and I wouldn’t have completed my awesome new desk.)

I have thought about this desk experience several times over the past week, that is why I decided to share it here.  I guess, the overall take-away is that we don’t always see clearly, even when the path is clearly marked and at our fingertips.  By being open and working to be more aware of the little details around us, we are more likely to access that which we think is lacking.

Here’s to trusting that the answers we seek are all around us and that being open will allow us to receive them.

 

(Pre-Marathon update to follow tomorrow!)

Lessons from the Locker Room

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As I ran into the Y this morning, like a chicken with her head cut off (to make it to yoga on time), I clearly noted the irony.  Hurry to Om.  Typical.

After dropping tidbit into Kiddie Corner (at warp speed), I slowed briefly to have my card swiped…that’s when I saw the big sign: Yoga Cancelled.  I literally laughed out loud.  Of course.

LESSON:  It’s time to slow down. Not just in yoga, but in general.

I now sauntered to the locker room, chatting casually with another member, and laughing over something trivial, yet satisfying.  After dropping my unneeded yoga mat and jacket in the locker room, I headed upstairs and completed my run.

My original plan for maximizing my 1.5 hour visit to the Y was to get tidbit into his room at his assigned time,  while somehow starting my yoga class at exactly the same time.  Then, I was going to leave class a little early (quietly and respectfully, of course) to be able to complete my run one minute before I had to spring kiddo from baby jail.  If everything went just right, it might work…

For the record, it never does work.  The consequences: being late, frazzled, and missing out on the little bits of life that fill in the spaces between larger blocks of time.  Today, because of yoga being canceled, I saw this clearly for what felt like the first time (obvious as it may seem).

LESSON:  When scheduling, pay closer attention to transition times.  They are just as important as primary activities, and require minutes of my day, whether I plan for them or not.

Instead of rushing from run to kiddie pickup, I now was able to enjoy connecting with a fellow Albany Running Mama.  Down in the locker room I marveled at all the time I had. If only I had stuff for a shower…

I decided to be creative. Who needs a shirt (when you have a fleece) or undies (no one sees them anyway!)?  The Y provides paper towels and soap. What more could a sweaty girl ask for?

LESSON:  Conditions don’t need to be perfect to get exactly what you need.  Sometimes perfection can come in an unlikely package.  Be open and allow things to serve you, even if they do not take the form of what you are accustomed to.

“I usually have a bag,” I said to my friend. “A towel would have been nice, but this is great – I get to take a shower before going home!”  That’s when she offerred me a spare hand towel and an extra travel shampoo.  I got upgraded from Motel 6 to the Ritz in the blink of an eye.

LESSON:  Put it out there.  I had no intention of getting a towel, I was fine with my plan, and yet, my message about a towel was received and I accepted the offer.   We need to put what we want out into the world, and then say yes when it comes to us in one form or another.

The shower was great.  I didn’t have to rush and I could just enjoy the warm water while it did its magic. Accidentally, while washing my hair, I pulled my earring from my ear.  I looked all around on the floor and could not find either the post or the back.  I decided to look again afterwards, half thinking it may very well have taken a trip down the Bethlehem Town Waterslide.   After getting dressed, I went back to look.  There was my earring in plain sight and my post was right next to the drain.  That I had not seen them from within the shower is a mystery.  Without thinking, I said, “Thank you” out loud while picking them up (imagine how weird people would have thought me if they had just seen me dry off with a bunch of paper towels!).

LESSON:  I was standing right on top of my earring and yet couldn’t see it until I stepped away, came back, and looked into the space from the outside.  Sometimes you need a change of perspective to see clearly.

Clean and happy, I left the locker room ready for the rest of my day.  I was a lot more relaxed than if yoga had not been cancelled.

Will I remember these lessons?  Maybe not every day or all the time, but they will remain a part of my awareness.  And after all, awareness is the first step in making a change.